the world i know

Shame on me for taking so damn long to write again. The truth is that I have been meaning to write and have probably written an entry several times in my mind. But the lure of the ocean swell after work, and the companionship of my newest guilty pleasure (watching arrested development in bed with a mug of baileys) has been too strong. I also must admit that the last couple of months have been amazing ones, and so i have chosen to live instead of taking the time to write about it. I spent two weeks in december with my lovely parents touring a bit of sri lanka and then hopping over to bangkok and cambodia for a week or so. Bangkok is probably one of my most favorite international cities with its constant grind, amazing food and electric streets. I’ll be passing through there again in a couple of weeks, and can hardly wait. the visit to cambodia was also an incredible one. Sharing the experience with my folks was definitely what made it even more memorable. The sunrise at angkor wat is one of those rare life experiences that you can only live once, as the sheer brilliance of it can only be felt by virgins of the experience. Though i am sure seeing it a second time, also has its merits.

2007 was the first year I have spent solo at Christmas. It was really difficult being away from all my amazing family and friends, but i guess having the snow, and the thrill of christmas so far away, made it bearable. I suppose the other positive was that I met an amazing swiss man a few weeks before the holidays. We spent a lot of time together and really just tried to live in the moment. So christmas was an enjoyable and memorable one. As both myself and my Christmas beau knew he would be leaving in early january, we just enjoyed the holidays surfing, bickering with annoying sri lankan guesthouses and eating and drinking lots . However, as these things tend to go, the leaving part was extremely difficult and so i may be making a quick trip to switzerland sometime soon. I guess these things happen when you are least expecting them too. But in my experience and as the gypsy tales here tell, the planetary alignment of sri lanka make it a special place, it may just be the island of love. Almost all my friends here have found love on these pristine and memorable shores.

So basically the past few months have been amazing, rewarding and yet at times challenging ones. The RTP project still has its ups and downs and I have been trying to stay as positive as possible. With only two weeks left in my mission, I have started thinking more and more about what it will mean to leave this life behind. I am fully aware that when i return home i will face some sadness knowing that this life experience has come to an end. The many people we have worked with here, are such special unique individuals. The friends I have made are incredibly close ones, as life in this isolated, war stricken country has drawn us together quickly. There are many things I already know I will miss, and many that I will be happy to leave behind. As I prepare to say my goodbyes, life as I have come to know it in the last year will come to an abrupt end. It will be the people in my daily life that i will miss the most. However difficult the past year has been, it is all a part of living. Many moments will be seen as hard memories and others as life defining adventures.

As i look back on who i was one year ago and who i am now, i personally don’t see much of a difference. The difference has not come from inside me, but from what I have seen in others.

I used to dream of waking up each day to a new and different sun.
Life in Sri lanka has taught me that no matter where you are in the world the sun will continue to rise.
Whether or not you wake up to see it, is up to you.

So to many more sunrises and unexpected moments. . .I bid farewell.
I send my final thoughts from Sri Lanka and hope you too have enjoyed the adventure!

In love and friendship
Amelia X

the heart of it

The last month has been the quickest one to date. Having the companionship of my good friend from home helped lament that burden of loneliness and isolation. Combined with travels to Bangkok and Beijing, time seemed to escape me, like it tends to do when we are happiest. The other day I received an email from a new age pen pal of mine, begging the question of happiness, but more so of the present and the future. Why does it always seem that we are dreading, anticipating or planning for the future? We have all made promises to ourselves to live more in the present, to embrace the here and now. I've had this very conversation with so many different people. Why can't we just be happy? We always seem to want more. Is it the wanting that leads to unhappiness?

Over the last 9 months I have seen some of the most amazing sights imaginable. I have met people that have overcome extreme struggles that most of us cannot even imagine. But still almost everyday I have to remind myself to see the beauty in my life here. Is it because I am simply unhappy? Is it because I dream of something better? I would be lying if I didn’t admit to the fact that (more often than not) i have caught myself counting down the days until I return home. Part of it is because this experience has been a true struggle. A struggle much different than I had expected. But I think my ticking clock has more to do, with that same old concept of now versus when. i don’t think my feelings of the future are any different than they would be at home.

So why can’t I just stop and listen. Listen and learn from this moment. Why do I always feel as though I need to move forward?

Maybe the answer is simple.

Hope might just be the greatest gift on earth. And if you think about it, the only place hope can really exist is in the future. Perhaps, happiness is simply discovering what it is we truly hope for?

So, as I sit here on my worn foam mattress, fighting off the omnipresent miniature ants think about the book I'm reading. One of the characters was an expert on happiness. As a scientist and a doctor he had devised a mathematical equation to put a monetary value on the different things that could make us happy, and yet, as his wife pointed out in the book, he had no idea how to find happiness himself.
My happiness seems to be fleeting. It can come and go in an instant, with a simple thought or action. It lives in the present. It can be our relationships, the feeling of fresh air in our lungs, a bowl of chocolate ice cream. To me happiness is momentary. It is hope that is lasting. It lives deep inside us. It lives deep in our hearts.

so as my friend simply asked me. I ask you.

What's in your heart?